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[ Stories: Witch-Girl (Read from the bottom of the list), The Canon ] [ Poetry: All Poetry; ( ♥ ) ( ⚔ ) ]
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[ red_a02 ] Shuzhen – The first episode was a lot of fun, cos it had an interesting cocktail of sexual tension and smooth fight choreography. This episode is like the awkward aftermath...
27 Aquarius 13 18:13
[ vermilion_2 ] YAPX – I understand that most of your stories are dialogue-based and heavy on retorts and counter-retorts. This one felt unnecessarily circular. It starts with a cool premise: a killer/villain/vigilante uses Lent to swear off something that should be second nature to him (I suppose), and then talks about a story. The link between the two (giving up killing & the story) isn’t a 100% fit. Maybe instead of “let me tell you a story”, it could be “hey, you see I even passed a guy up for death today!” or equivalent. Something to drag Lorelei into the banter and the premise. // That’s my only complaint. I’m not a big fan of dialogue-based stories, but I can make a exception for this.
14 Aquarius 13 08:03
[ 130204 ] YAPX – Good pace, good characters, great dialogue. The thing I like best is a combination of the three: how you build up their pseudo-relationship through all that back-and-forth exchange. Somehow, you craft a unique, strange relationship: from any one point in the story, both of them are manipulative, victimised and hypocrites - though not all at once. // On word choices, I felt you could change the word “janitor” (“cleaner” or “uncle” would’ve given a different, but more acute local flavour to it). Mostly because, it’s connotes an added level of difference through: class. Whether or not you intended it, by portraying the “janitor” and “student” you bring out the fact that he’s stuck there socially in all sense of the word. It made the part where he says he reads books during weekends completely out-of-context and weird. // Also, there’s too much “sliding” in and out of the room. Not sure if that’s intentional repetition, or just a lack of other words. // I thought that the girl’s own background is pretty compelling. Even after everything, I can’t tell if she’s speaking the truth. Because I’m all for unreliable narrators and characters, I can still find her well-thought out. But other readers might lose patience or wonder at her sudden change of heart at the final moment.
04 Aquarius 13 08:48
Bereft of sleep, I was thinking of one of my old stories, and I thought I would share this little nugget of trivia. Gabriel and Michael are pretty common names, but few realise their proper form or pronounce them correctly. Like all the angels, the ending “el” in the name is a separate syllable, meaning “God.” Their names end in “il” in transliterations of the Quran.
Gabrielle is closer to the correct pronunciation than the way some people pronounce Gabriel (also, Gabriel is a girl). Thusly, it’s Rapha’el, Uri’el, Gabri’el, Micha’el, Samma’el, et cetera et cetera, et… wait for it… el.
Yes, I wrote all that just to write the last line. Yes, it would sound way cooler if spoken aloud. Yes, I do, in fact, know more inane trivia than anyone can possibly realise. Yes, I really need to get some sleep. No, melatonin doesn’t work. Yes, I will happily accept contributions of valium or dormicum. Yes, it would be illegal of you to give them to me. Nobody needs to know.
171 words / 2548
“I am the light that is over all things.
I am all:
all came forth from me,
and all attained to me.
Split a piece of wood,
and I am there.
Pick up a stone,
and you will find me there.”
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