You know, I spend a lot of time on this blog. I painstakingly craft these delicate confections, ensuring an equitable ratio of wit and righteous indignation. Every word is carefully selected from the finest ingredients, poked at, probed and polished till perfection.
Sentences are tenderly sewed together by hand by a team of tireless experts, working endless hours in inhumane conditions to bring you only the best. They ask not for recognition, they ask not for reward, no. They do it because it is a duty, a calling.
These sentences go into paragraphs that are assembled by a choir of angels, the only beings, by virtue of being musically trained for eternity, capable of measuring with exactitude the cadence and style required, demanded of this divine endeavour.
The worthy paragraphs are then gathered together and built into posts, logs and columns by a lodge of beavers, assisted by woodchucks and wombats, whose genius at civil engineering are unmatched, honed by centuries of combat with that most vicious of opponents, Nature Herself.
You would imagine that now that the work is finally assembled it would be ready. You would be wrong.
A completed work still has to go through several rounds of vigorous testing to ensure Quality Control.
The first stage of which is done by a dedicated sloth of Pandas, who take time away from their busy schedule (eats shoots and leaves) to closely examine any dichotomies, punctuation and Kung Fu. Only after they are satisfied (or run out of bamboo), is the work ready for the next stage.
The true and final test of quality is decided by a clowder of cats, the only Authority on good taste, what tastes good and what can be considered amusing or cute.
With the clowder’s approval, the work is then passed to a focus group of Females Aged 21-28, whose reactions are monitored using scentific methods originally developed to measure humidity. If the work has triggered an acceptable level of response from the FAns, it is finally released.
Only then, only then is the collective work presented for your consumption.
Is it fair, then, I ask you, is it fair that you, sitting there in the quiet comfort of your home, having so quickly read through these lines – lines that, were you to look between them, have blood, sweat and tears divine, mammalian and a wee bit marsupial – so casually close the page and move on? Are these words so easily dismissed, so casually forgotten? Are they nothing more than articles, to be used and discarded?
Why do I do this, you ask, if I’m so unappreciated. To amuse and edify you? To make you happy?
Of course not! I do this to make me happy.
And what makes me happy is going up the TOP 10 TABLE OF PING.SG.
So whoever it is who’s reading me from iGoogle or Google Feed or whatever (ohh, you know who you are), stop pandering to the Evil Googlebots and PONG ME.
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