As an authority in the emerging field of Theoretical Theology, I am often asked such questions as “Is there God?”, “Are there aliens?”, “Is God alien?” and “Would you like fries with that?”
In order to give these questions their due import, I spend a lot of time pondering them (the pressure can get quite intense when there’s a queue behind you). Thus, it was with great hope that I read the headline “Vatican says little green men are part of Creation,” thinking it means that God believes in aliens.
Turns out He doesn’t (or is pretending not to because He IS an alien). The article only states that it’s okay to believe in God AND aliens –
Father Jose Gabriel Funes, a Jesuit, yesterday told L'Osservatore Romano, the Vatican newspaper, that “It is possible to believe in God and in extra-terrestrials”. He said Christians could “admit the existence of other worlds and other forms of life, even those more evolved than ours, without necessarily questioning faith in the Creation, the incarnation and the redemption of mankind”.
And that – this is the important bit – if there were aliens, we should convert them –
He said that aliens, like humans, would be able to benefit from the redemption offered by Jesus Christ and “the mercy of God”.
This raises the important question of “Having converted them, what do we do with them?” (Also, “Would they like fries with that?”).
Assuming non-gender-based reproductive systems, should asexual aliens be treated as male, female, or gay? This is important, because gender roles are very important in Catholicism, so much so that there’s even a myth of a female pope, Pope Joan.
After thinking about these issues for a while, I felt a sense of outrage (this happens after I think about anything for a while, it’s called oxidation). Jesus is MY personal savior. I’m not that comfortable sharing Him with all these people claiming Him as THEIR personal savior (it’s unhygienic). Now I have to share Him with aliens too?
As such, I tried to find the original text, but Google churned out 35k results for the piece’s title “The Extraterrestrial Is My Brother,” none of which (on the first page at least) seems to be the original. However, this other article quotes –
The Bible “is not a science book,” Funes said, adding that he believes the Big Bang theory is the most “reasonable” explanation for the creation of the universe.
Up yours, literal interpreters of the Bible. Divine Architect Wins.
All this is, of course, particularly timely, because in the last week or so, it was revealed that “Space station astronauts confident alien life will be found,” which had this choice quote –
The press conference took place amongst recent debate by Japanese politicians over the country's obligations should Earth be attacked by alien forces.
Which shows that Japan is more of a world leader in more areas than video games, anime and whisky. In addition to giving us the Playstation and the Wii, they’ll be the ones who’ll protect us from alien invasion, possibly because they might have prompted the invasion by spamming the aliens.
Also, it turns out that aliens have been regularly visiting Britain, presumably for the chips (English fries – like French fries, only made without the sprinkling of gay). Somehow, I thought it’s common knowledge that aliens visit London every Christmas, in a spinning blue box.
But what I really want to know is, what happened to all the witches? Did they all trade in their brooms for saucers? I understand they like tea (who doesn’t?).
Whee. I wrote all this without a single immigrant joke. I am the master of self-restraint (and editing).
Barely related, but this little guy is the Youngest Supernova. Isn’t it a cutie?
I recently quoted a Vanity Fair article on the plight of the Polar Bear. Good news!
Now all I need is a report on how the Pandas are doing in Chengdu. Sichuan has the most Pandas anywhere, and the Sichuan Giant Panda Sanctuaries is a UNESCO World Heritage site.
Tell us how the bears are doing! The people have a right to know!
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