Dear Sir Apostle Mister Lawrence Khong Apostle Sir Sir,
I am a great admirer of your work, Sir Apostle Lawrence Khong, blessed be your reign. You have spoken out against 377A. You have joined hands with the Muslims in attacking the gays. You have fired an adulteress. You’re not responsible for the book banning but I’m pretty sure it was done by one of your unthinking minions, so I’m giving you credit for that too!
Now you are going to perform a magic show at IKEA, the other group who religiously believes it is a criminal act when people don’t follow clearly-labeled instructions when slotting a stick into a hole.
I used to think that Christianity was all about love, forgiveness and all of the good stuff. Since I’ve followed your work, I’ve come to realise that it’s mostly about hating homosexuals, even though that is just one line in the Bible, and not even in the New Testament, where the Jesus happens. You have taught me that that one line in the Bible is more important than all the many many many times love is mentioned. Who cares about Matthew 7:1, eh?
I admit I had my doubts when I found out that FCBC is literally your Church. As in, you founded it to boost your ego without having to answer to the authority of an established Church. But my doubts evaporated when I found out about FCBC’s long, rich and vibrant history, going all the way back to 1986. That was, indeed, a long time ago. Your Church is older than Disney’s The Little Mermaid by a full three years.
Now that you’ve shown me the way, I cannot help but agree with you that Pink Dot is wrong. It is simply not right that some people are out to impose their values upon us. Under your grand leadership, people can instead impose your values upon us. Yay!
I have long been a fan of family values and I am glad that we have finally found a leader in your Apostleness. It is good that you are an Apostle, because the Bible warns us against false prophets and I do not wish to follow one into the burning pits of Hell where the gay people and shellfish go.
In order to better follow the leadership of your Apostlephe, I have decided to find out what “family values” means to you. It appears to be all about sex. It is good that you think about sex all the time, so that I do not have to make any decisions regarding my own body on my own. Spending that much time thinking about sex must make things hard. Yet you have taken matters into your own hands, so that I do not have to. Your sacrifice is touching. I feel touched by you. Sir Apostle Lawrence Khong has touched me.
So two men having sex and two women having sex is not family valued. Having sex with a married person is also not family valued, as you fired a woman from your church for having a sexual relationship with her colleague even though her marriage was over. The divorce was not finalised and that makes her an adulterer, which makes her bad. She is a bad girl. And you punished her. You punished her for being such a naughty naughty girl. You punished her hard, just the way she needs it. It is this attention to detail that I seek to emulate.
Of course, the best example of “family values” has to be your own family. Your wife has apparently said that HIV is God’s punishment.
A guy called “Azman” is anti-gay? Talk about mixed signals. I suppose he likes big butts and he cannot lie.
Your daughter has a child out of wedlock. This is clearly not sinful because you have not fired her from your magic act.
You have publicly spoken about how a family is defined (one male, one female, non-adopted children), so I am a little confused. I don’t see anything wrong with single parents, but I never sought to define “family” to preclude them. I would also like to know why adoption is wrong in your eyes.
I was also very confused when I found out you had a magic act. The Bible clearly states that magicians are abominations like homosexuals and shellfish.
Not gay at all. Also not shellfish.
Not a demonstration about how to give blowjobs.
Not a metaphor for repressed homosexuality.
The first thing I thought, of course, was: “Isn’t it Easter SUNDAY? Why is Sir Apostle Lawrence Khong allowed to work on Sunday and not be put to death?”
It turns out that your Easter shows aren’t on Easter, but lots of your other shows are (I checked).
Also, the abomination that is shellfish does not choose to be shellfish. Homosexuals do not choose to be homosexuals (and even if they do, so what?). But you choose to be a magician and, thus, actually choose to become an abomination. You have taken the Word of the LORD and you have willfully spat upon it.
I found this very confusing. Why is Sir Apostle Lawrence Khong so defiantly going against the Word of God? Are you not afraid of HIV?
Could you be breaking the rules because these rules are outdated and no longer apply, because religion is an evolving cultural construct, reflecting and a part of the larger society in which it inhibits?
No, this is clearly not so, because if it were you wouldn’t be presenting falsehood as fact in order to shame, humiliate and otherwise make gay people feel outcast, unwelcome and unloved by their parents, siblings and other people who live with them but aren’t considered their family.
There are people who live by these rules. We don’t hear about them much because they don’t insist everyone follow their rules. Then again, you don’t appear to be interested in any of the rules except for one particular rule that you’re not naturally inclined to break anyway. This is very convenient, as convenient as the illiterate seeking to ban books.
I was very confused. Then I found your official biography. On the third day of the camp, a ten-year-old boy had a misadventure and drowned.
He cried for the first time in years. He remembers the prayer he made at this turning point, “God I need you but no promises. I’m just a stupid chain smoker but if you think you can help me – help me. Here’s my life.”
It wasn’t the first time Lawrence had attempted to return to God but this time, it felt real to him and it was. “I never smoked again and the Lord just changed my life.”
Clearly you are breaking the rules because you are SPECIAL.
This is why you are Sir Apostle and I am not. You are the Chosen One. Like Moses, you will lead us out of this Egypt of sodomites and across the Red Sea of shellfish. God has mysterious waylaid you, just as He has crushed the dreams of a nation to embarrasses one scriptwriter for an anti-gambling ad.
I cannot break the rules because I am not the Chosen One. God did not kill a child so that I would pray to quit smoking.
Let me say that again, because I am so impressed –
God did not kill a child so that I would pray to quit smoking.
God has not taken an innocent life to help me regain my faith. No one has died for me as that child had died FOR YOU. God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son to die for our sins. But God surely loves you MORE!
Because someone else’s son had to die for your sins. We only have one death on our hands. You have two! You must feel so proud to be chosen by God like that.
Well, clearly you are, because you justifiably brag about it on your biography, reminding everyone that God loves you so much that He killed a ten-year-old boy so that you would quit smoking. God’s love for you is truly great! It is like HIV in reverse!
I bow before your superior kill rate and hope that, by following in your footsteps, someday God will also make me an accessory to murder. This is why you are special, Apostlecalifragilisticexpialidocious Lawrence Khong, and by breaking the rules, you are reminding us that someday, we can be special and break the rules too.
I look forward to the day when I can pick and choose from the Bible like the (non-shellfish) buffet you treat it as.
Thank you for your time, Sirpostle Lawrence Khong!
Your greatest fan.
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|| Mark:20-23 – And he said, “What comes out of a person is what defiles him. For from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, coveting, wickedness, deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within, and they defile a person.”|
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